I’ve hated someone at every point in my life. I’ve had an enemy as far as I can remember.
When I was four or five, I made an enemy of a close friend. I can’t remember why but I don’t think we ever made up. When I was six, it was with another neighbour. In gradeschool, I made an enemy out of a classmate for around two years. In highschool, my negative relationships were freenemies – or the desire to constantly create one.
Same with uni too, and even after uni. I’ve lived my life with several enemies – why? I think I had a convoluted concept of what life was about. Without an antagonist, I was not going to become a protagonist. So I had to have one.
It was tedious. It was tiring.
For a very long time I didn’t know any other way to live. Conflict was essential for me to thrive.
It’s only been the last couple of years when I started to rethink this lifestyle. Maybe it’s because of MiniMe. I don’t want to set a bad example for her. I don’t want her to have a mum who constantly hold grudges, who won’t admit to her mistakes, who refuses to see the other side of the argument, who won’t even try to bridge gaps and erase friction, who would rather be fake with people than be authentic.
I want to be finished being negative. I want to be done with being a fake. I want to be over pretense, to finally mean what I say. In my line of work, I’ve been a constant fake, manipulating people to get what I need for work. And I was okay with that. It took me a long time to have a conscience. I want to be a better person – for my child, for my family, for my soul.
It’s a scary feat, probably harder than losing weight, but I’m going to keep at it. Life is too short to fake it.
And I’m hoping I apply this to how I deal with family, friends (old and new), bloggers, work, PR and every part of my life. Wish me luck. This is going to be fucking challenging.